Debora Rodrigues - Guilt in Times of Lockdown

The Brief

The GAP Basement Theatre Ensemble eagerly jumped at the opportunity to work with the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust on the Sea of Troubles project. We were challenged to create impactful short films that use Shakespeare’s timeless words to convey the opinions and experiences of young people during the unprecedented year of 2020.

Given the ongoing safety restrictions, the ensemble had to operate under a modified version of The GAP’s usual way of working, but we were able to honour its objectives of creating theatre that makes the audience reflect on the world around them and bring these issues to the table.

Our work would usually be done face to face, benefiting from the energy that only human contact can bring. We would operate the same way we want to deliver final product; intimately and personally. Unable to do so, the ensemble adapted and moved to an online approach. One could argue that Zoom is the pinnacle of intimacy in this decade.

The Creative Process

With so many contrasting theatre-makers from diverse backgrounds, the discussion itself quickly became very diversified and different points of view started to emerge. The ensemble pushed itself to recall key images and personal moments that marked our 2020.

Many images were shared, from crying nurses, empty playgrounds, to towers of toilet paper yet to be looted by modern-day pirates. One image seemed to be universal to all of us; computer screens - Zoom calls, online classes, remote working, Netflix and various other activities that definitely included a myriad of bread recipes.

Living Life Through Black Mirrors

This common denominator between us sparked the debate about out how active we were in the face of all the issues that were brought to light in 2020.

As a young girl that has recently graduated with a degree that didn’t meet my expectations, surviving on a part-time job that, fortunately, put me on furlough, I wondered if I was the most qualified person to talk about these issues. Some of my peers echoed my sentiment of passiveness concerning their 2020 experience.

While the world was happening outside our door, we were safely tucked away in our homes. The conflicts happening on the other side of our windows were broadcasted on the screens we stared at all day long. It was a reality we were no longer part of. Their impact only lasted a day or two.

We witnessed this ephemerality on issues such as the Black Lives Matter movement. For a week we lived for black squares, petitions, indignation and activism. And then nothing. The matter was still present in the back of our collective minds, but it’s presence in the media died out.

Once again, we became passive.

Passiveness and Guilt

My lockdown experience can be described in two words: passiveness and guilt. I don’t feel in any way qualified to talk about my experience simply because it was so uninvolved with the world. Not that it is not valid, but I felt like it didn’t add much to the conversation.

I spent my days doing the things that I hadn’t been able to do while studying and working; I worked on my acting, I learnt how to play the ukulele, I wrote something of my own for the first time in years, started a YouTube channel. What I didn’t do, was dwell too much on the world around me. The news came fast and furious, full of tragedy, followed by despair and fear.

So I blocked it out.

I blocked out nearly everything that didn’t happen within my flat walls.

I felt guilty for enjoying the lockdown, for the time that I finally had to dedicate myself to what loved to do. I was fortunate to be put on furlough. For the first time since I left my parent’s house, I didn’t have to worry about covering my bills, and I had all the time in the world. I felt lucky. I felt happy. And I felt guilty.

People were dying, protesting, fighting with each other, losing loved ones. I was happy. I was safe, my loved ones were safe, and I was spending my time the way I wanted to instead of spending it on a dead-end job.

I didn’t feel qualified to talk about 2020. I still don’t, but I know that it is important. Someone somewhere will have had the same experience as me. I’d like to hear from those people. And whilst my sins are not comparable to those of Tarquin, my guilt can be found in the words of Shakespeare:

“But they whose guilt within their bosoms lie

Imagine every eye beholds their blame”

The Rape of Lucrece